I'm Here Climbing God, But Where The Heck Are You?

Stories are at the heartbeat of all of my podcasts, so I thought I would share a story that gives you a glimpse into our life right now. After Lydia’s birth I could tell something was off with her latch and considered it could be a tongue and lip tie. I knew that meant horrible stretching after a procedure was done. CHOOSING a procedure that puts your child and you at pain was a huge mountain I didn’t want to Rise & Climb to. So here is my story of rising and climbing to a mountain I was NOT excited to climb!

How could I make this cutey cry?!

This past week we had an appointment to get Lydia’s tongue and lip looked at to see if there was a tie. I thought there was only a mild tongue tie and if so I would pass on the laser surgery in hopes it stretched on it’s own. Chiropractic and Cranial Massage were working great for us so I was really hopeful we didn’t need it. They advise you to watch stretching videos beforehand to help prepare.

I watched the stretching videos in preparation to know what we had to do post surgery in order to prevent the mouth from growing back the tissue. Every 4-6 hours you have to press down and rub the wound site and stretch it to make sure the surgery wasn’t in vain with connective tissue growing back and ‘retying’.

When I watched it for the first time I balled. I called Michael into the room and just said ‘I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this’. He watched the video and said ‘We don’t have to, we make the decisions’. I said, ‘I know, but if she needs it I need to know, I just don’t WANT to do it’. I asked for prayer and prayed to God about it. I said, ‘God, please give us a miracle of it stretching on it’s own, but if that is not your will, give me the strength to do the stretches and help me be able to make a clear decision when in the Dentist’s office’. I asked others to pray as well for clarity and discernment to make the right decision. With striving to live out my ‘Rise & Climb’ mantras I knew this would be really hard and a mountain I didn’t want to climb, but knew if we chose it, God would somehow get me through it and even use it for His good.

A song, Out of Hiding, that resonated with me knowing I was counting all the cost of the pain and choosing it anyway.

Sure enough, at the dentist office they showed me the different ties and I just knew we needed to. Turns out she had a really bad lip and cheek tie, and sure enough a mild tongue tie, so I just said ‘Let’s just do this now’. With ties comes feeding issues and we were having issues with feeding and latching, so I knew it was interfering with her life and very likely there could be long term consequences if we didn’t reverse it at some point. At this point the fear of the stretches was worse than just facing them.

So I cried in the office as I kissed my innocent and precious Lydia 1000 times. Each kiss was a plea to God to help her understand we loved her, she was ok, and this was the best thing FOR her. The lactation consultant said, ‘Your not doing this TO her, your doing it FOR her. If she was old enough she’d do this on her own, but she’s not, so your helping her.’ That made sense to me and with tears in my eyes I handed my swaddled and numbed-mouth baby to them and sat in the room while they took her. No more than 10 minutes later they brought her back. My screaming and tear stained baby was just bawling.

They showed me how to do the stretches and it was just as horrible as I thought it would be. The cry, the gurgle, the gagging noises, and the helplessness you feel was hard, but knowing I had to go home and start doing that 6x a day on my own for 3+ weeks felt like the mountain kept growing.

Her whimpering in pain.

She cried and wouldn’t latch because her mouth was still numb, so we put her in the car seat and drove home. For the first few hours she slept and rested but then she woke up and the numbness wore off and she just cried and nothing I did comforted her. Eventually she settled down and slept again, but then I had to do the first stretch. Surprisingly I didn’t get emotional during it. Someone on FB gave me the advice of ‘ be bold, swift, and efficient’! I thought that was a mantra I can get behind and it definitely helped me as we would pray before each stretch.

I found however, that I was more emotional in-between stretching. Watching my peaceful little Lydee finally fall asleep and knowing I would have to wake her up and cause pain again would really get to me. The first night actually went ok, but the next day with the other kids was very difficult.

The kids hiding during the stretches with baby crying.

The older siblings still needed attention and parenting and I was wrapped up in caring for Lydia or doing crazy things like peeing. THANK GOD for my family who was able to come and take the kids for a few days. With them being gone I was able to self regulate in-between stretching, make this wild detour to the bathroom, and be there for Lydia. She was fidgety and sensitive to noise so didn’t sleep much, but since I could focus on her we hung out on the couch and were able to get through it. When Michael got home that first day he was able to focus on Lydia as well with the other kids not needing attention. It was some nice bonding time with us three.

Daddy holding Lydia while he read and journaled about Exodus 2 morning of surgery!

Having the kids gone was so helpful and makes my heart go out to the people who don’t have someone in their life to come and help in instances like that. A huge shout out to my village of people became and either took the kids, brought a meal, or folded laundry!

That was an overview of the physical and emotional update. I do have more specific details on my IG story, but I want to transition into the spiritual update and what God is showing me on a spiritual level.

Like I said I always believe God will use hardships for a greater good, but first few days I wasn’t comforted yet by hearing the voice of God speak into this direct situation. I just was kinda feeling bad, guilty for feeling like I was hurting my baby, and yelling too much at my older kiddos.

Michael and I read a chapter of the Bible each day and the day of the surgery we read Exodus 2, which is the story of Moses being given away to Pharaoh’s daughter by his mother in order to save his life. At the time there was a new Pharaoh who was paranoid that the growing number of Hebrews would take over Egypt so in order to keep them enslaved and have control over them he decreed his people and midwives to kill any Hebrew male born.

Besides if being horrific and tragic, I had read that story many times before so that morning I read it and nothing MAJOR stood out. However, I was led back to it the day after Lydia’s surgery and I realized God was nearer than I thought through Moses’ story. Let me share with you what I read POST surgery:

Exodus 2:2 ‘The woman conceived and bore a son, and when she saw that he was a fine child, she hid him three months. When she could hide him no longer, she took for him a basket made of bulrushes and daubed it with bitumen (tar) and pitch. She put the child in it and placed it among the reeds by the river bank. And his sister stood at a distance to know what would be done with him. Now the daughter of Pharaoh came down to bathe at the river, while her young woman walked beside the river. She saw the basket among the reeds and sent her servant woman, and she took it. When she opened it, she saw the child, and behold, the baby was crying. She took pity on him and said, “This is one of the Hebrews’ children.” Then his sister said to Pharaoh’s daughter, “Shall I go and call you a nurse from the Hebrew woman to nurse the child for you?” And Pharaoh’s daughter said to her, “Go.” So the girl went and called the child’s mother.

Lots of skin to skin and comfort nursing time! These were some of the moments I would be crying out to God and was able to hear His voice when I opened up His word.

After I read that I just cried realizing how GOOD God was to give me this story. God understands the heart of a mother who sacrifices for their child and does HARD things in order that they may LIVE and SURVIVE and THRIVE.

Moses’ mom sacrificed raising Moses in order for him to be able to live. First off she kept him hidden for three months to not be found out. Had she been caught she would have had to see him die after getting to know him for three months. When she could no longer hide him, she set him in a basket by faith, had to hear him CRY and be hidden in the river until he was found. I cannot even IMAGINE the pain of that.

And yet in that pain and sacrifice, God saw and she was able to continue to nurse him and be in his life! Here I am crying over stretching my babies wounds and wondering if it’s worth it, she had to put him in river most likely filled with crocodiles! Yet she did it because that was his best chance of survival.

I was blown away that God would KNOW the pain I was experiencing as a young mom with just a simple laser surgery! I knew that I was making a decision best for Lydia long term, but in the meantime meant questioning if I was doing the right thing. I’m sure it was similar to that time in between Moses’ mom putting him a dangerous river and being invited to be his wet nurse. It’s the time where faith shines.

That first week and especially first days I was waiting to get the reassurance that the pain I was inflicting on both of us was worth it. During that time God ordained THIS story for me to read.

There are 1000’s of stories and pages in the bible and on the day of Lydias’ surgery, He ordained me to be reading about another story of a mother who had to also make some very hard decisions. I was blown away by God’s love for me through His word. That was the voice of God, that He would give me encouragement in the midst of this climb, I knew that God was with me and He KNEW.

I need to insert a side note here. Some of you may be thinking: I read the Bible and I don’t hear from God like Anna does. I need you to know that I can read the Bible and pray in my head, but until I sit down to journal I don’t typically get major epiphanies like this. However, not everyone is a journaler. God created you unique. So take sometime with God to discover how uniquely He created You to commune with Him!

But it’s not over. In this same journaling time I still felt guilt for being a MOMster to my older kids. Journaling gave me space for the Holy Spirit to remind me of a verse I recently heard: Isaiah 40:11 “He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those who have young.” MAN, did I feel that truth resonate.

God wasn’t looking down at me and shaming me for not handling this situation perfect. He gently lead me to this story and verse reminding me that He is gently leading me to truths that will help set me free to love and live like I was called to. It didn’t necessarily take away the hardship, but it encouraged me in it. He was leading me even though I didn’t feel I had deserved it.

Then the next day (today as I am writing this) my friend sends me a YouTube video with the man who played Jesus from Passion of Christ. He talked about how he took on the role of Jesus and actually carried a very heavy cross, actually felt the lashes, and actually dislocated his shoulder like Jesus had, etc. The clip is at the end of the blog, but bottom line was that I was blown away again by the voice of God telling me, He knows!

Again, I realized that God knew EXACTLY how it felt to choose something that would inflict pain on His child. He knew that coming down to earth, taking a life journey to the cross would cause pain, temporary death, and UNMEASURABLE DISCOMFORT. God had to watch down on that. Yet, that death, that cross, that burden is what led to LIFE, LIFE ABUNDANTLY for us, and FREEDOM.

My life verse!

Again, I was moved to tears thinking about how much God loved me that He would set the example of what it looks like to love your child even when you make a decision that would inflict pain on them.

The gentleman then shared a quote by Pope John Paul II: ‘Freedom exists not to do what you like, but do what you ought’. That resonated with me on SO many levels, but in this situation it really did with guidance on parenting. In parenting I have freedom to raise them how I/we choose. It doesn’t always mean I am doing things I LIKE, but I am doing things I ought.

Our pre-stretching prep: prayers, coconut oil concoction, and lights on to see.

Then that night I had to wake us all up and do a stretching. Michael gets up and helps but I’m really the only one to comfort her. So he goes back to bed and I’m up until she gets comforted again and I can fall back asleep. This time I decided to play the song ‘Voice of God’ by Dante Brown that I used in Lydia’s birth story (link at the end). As I pressed play and laid back down with Lydia laying on my chest I felt her whole body just relax. It was like she melted into my safe arms while these lyrics were playing in back:

And I can hear it on the wind of an early morning, haha When the fog is getting thick and the birds are chirping Oh, it’s just something I can’t explain, no But it makes me wanna cry And I can hear it in the hush of a midnight hour When I’m alone in my room, if I’m going under Oh, I just can’t explain, no But it brings me back to life It’s like the sound of a newborn baby crying, yeah Like the final breath of a loved one passing Oh, it’s a beautiful thing, yeah ‘Cause it leads me to the light Oh, it’s the voice of God And it can make a grown man cry Yes, it can, yes, it can It’s the voice of God It can make a grown man cry, mm

It was that simple act of Lydia just melting into my arms and the reminder that the voice of God comes in all shapes, sizes, moments, touches, hardships, victories, and dark moments of the night when you feel you are going under. That simple moment of pure relaxation and calmness that transferred from Lydia to me was the voice of God. The voice of God reminding me about the importance of being still and knowing He is God, reminding me that His arms are safe and all I have to do is come to them, and He is the ultimate healer.

Hey Like Dante says in his song: ‘Oh, I just can’t explain, no but it brings me back to life’. Tears welled up again as God spoke to me through the relaxation of my daughter we chose to put through a painful procedure. Even in the midst of pain of something He allowed we can still relax in our Father’s arms.

So even though ‘I can’t explain it’, I hope the story did justice to how God has brought me back to life and made me strong in the face of climbing a mountain I did NOT want to climb. This is a story of turning to God in the face of a tough climb. It’s a reminder and a faith builder for the next time I go through something difficult.

Trust me, I know this isn’t the be all, end all toughest mountain I have climbed or will ever have to climb. To be honest, it’s probably more of a hill or a mountain in Wisconsin, which really isn’t a mountain, but it was still something I did not want to do or face.

So what is something in your life right now that you are doing because you know you OUGHT to, not because you LIKE to? Is there a mountain calling you are avoiding?

What stuck out in this story? What resonated with you? Please share, I would love to know how the voice of God loved and spoke to you through this story.

So here is to RISING & CLIMBING to freedom. Not because we LIKE to Rise & Climb a steep, tough, and painful mountain!No, it’s because we know God is calling us to climb to a new peak of freedom that will help us better serve others in love.

Remember, the voice of God is there to encourage us on the way.

Peace Out and Peace Within, Anna

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1CiCur4QVw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZlsWZRnZVM